Mariah’s Reemergence

Clay, your post was heart-wrenching and beautiful. Thank you for your courage to be honest and open.

I witnessed and shared your deepening pain in the days just before the planned audition. If my comments about the importance of the event made it even harder for you, I’m sorry.

Fear and discouragement were my constant companions in Peru, DC, and Richmond, and it was often really, really hard to find, hold, and share hope in the face of it.  Thank you for giving so much to your sister. Holding another’s life force in your hands even for a moment is an awesome responsibility.

The good news is that growth and positive changes keep happening through this ordeal. For me, our relationship is the strongest and most authentic it’s ever been. And we, along with Mariah, are learning more about life, love, and the power of the divine spirit within ourselves than many folks even imagine in a lifetime.

I love you, Clay. Blessings on you, Son.

- Dad

Well I sincerely hope we haven’t lost anyone in the gap since the last post.

To be quite honest, I hit a slump the past two weeks on a personal level.  The good news about that is that I have managed not to drop the ball with my care-taking duties; I only nearly dropped the ball on taking care of me.   I planned on going to North Carolina last week to audition for music school possibly for next fall and I struggled to manage with my expectations not being met.

Admittedly, I have no idea how to find balance in my current life and work with Mariah, but we are both somehow still here and growing stronger, I discover.  I try to focus on Mariah’s recovery when blogging (d’uh! this is not claysreemergence.com!), but I guess that just for the present, we are in it together.

A few nights ago, I lay awake reading some poetry and Mariah tossed in her bed.  I asked her if she knew why I was here taking care of her.  She responded, “no…”   I told her that it was deeper than familial obligation or “doing the right thing.”

The poem was about hope.  It was defined as “the hardest love we carry”.  I told her that I believe I am here to help her carry that burden.  The heavy stuff is always lighter when we share the weight.

My sister is often lost in the desperation of her circumstances and I do know personally that that can be a blessing in disguise; a place from which we can receive hope.  For some of us, it is the only place from which we can become willing to receive the kind of hope we never previously thought existed.

Anyway, forgive my babbles and ramblings.  My point is that on the flip side of that “gift of desperation” is the terror of believing we are alone in our desperation.  I lost sight of my hope the past two weeks and also encountered my first feelings of questioning whether or not I want to be here doing this job.

After just six weeks on this job, I felt really ashamed and embarrassed for feeling like giving up.  But pride aside, I just need to let you all know that I am scared a lot. I don’t  know how I am getting it done, but I am taking great care of Mariah and would you all please keep praying for both of us, because that is where I draw my strength.

For those of you who have had enough of “what’s on Clay’s mind”, Dad visited last week and took some great pics and videos and will have those posted in the coming days, so I am gonna sit back and let him cover me this go-around and let you all see for yourselves Mariah’s progress and reemerging strength.

Love and Light,

Clay

    Greetings blog-fans.  This has been an active week in Mariah’s re-emergence process.  Whereas therapy-packed days previously led Mariah back to her bed to spend hours sleeping or otherwise staying off of her feet and off her butt, she has hit the gym off-campus every day this week in the evening after a full day of physical, occupational, and speech therapy’s.  Her workout includes a minimum of thirty minutes cycling followed by weight-resistance training and therapy-related exercise.  Not to mention she has attended several other appointments as well, such as dental work, opthomolgy exams, and doctor visits.  Actually Mariah’s attendance to appointments is apparently singularly unique, I found out yesterday morning.  After a late Thursday night, I dragged myself out of bed at 7 am to feed Mariah and myself this week’s breakfast usual of oatmeal and fresh fruit, and then off to our first appearance at morning formation with the rest of Mariah’s Able Troop to which she was recently assigned while here at Walter Reed.  A stern Major addressed the Able Troop and apparently reiterated the importance of each soldier’s attendance to his or her appointments because, and I quote, “Once again, the Able Troop is leading in no-shows”  This of course registered in my own delinquent mind as hmmm…next time you miss formation and the sergeant calls you, just gently turn his attention back to the rest of the troops who are probably playing Nintendo Wii in their rooms instead of going to physical therapy…(ahh it feels good to be on the right side of the mean average!)

The most exciting piece of news from this week is that Mariah is now putting in afternoon hours at the AFIP (Armed Forces Institute of Pathology) about two hundred yards up from the Mologne House on campus.  This is pretty much a dream job for Mariah, and after her first two afternoons doing gross pathology work she has come out beaming and totally psyched for the next visit.  I can’t give a detailed account because I haven’t asked her a lot of questions about it, but she is thrilled and seems very much newly inspired.  It shows, both in her smile, and in her dedication.   She is really putting in that “one extra” in her sessions, and rather than wait for me to come up with activities in free time, she is tossing out suggestions.  This morning she reminded me, “Hey let’s go to that Pompeii exhibit at the National Gallery of Art”  (I was of course surfing the net, at the time).   So we went to the museums today, took in the Italian masterpieces and perused the exhibits at the Native American museum and finished off the day back at Mologne watching, “Thank You for Smoking” on our movie screen.  We are doing great and hope that YOU are as well.

Love and Light, 
Clay and “Bunny”

It is Sunday morning and we are stirring after a bowl of Quaker Oatmeal with fresh strawberries and blueberries. The Quaker Oatmeal has inspired Clay to attend Quaker Meeting this morning with his mother. The same inspiration will lead Mariah to go work out at a local Bethesda gym this morning. We will reconvene at lunch time and share our insights, which will probably consist of Mariah being in shape and Clay being totally out of shape as the hardwood pews at Bethesda Friends Meeting were designed to suffer the back of the sitter so he or she may Quake before God, rather than merely snore in the presence of Him.

Napping at Home (Photo by dear friend and roommate Suzanna Strasburg)

The weekend so far has already consisted of two off-campus gym work-outs, brother included (thank you very much and get off my back Richard Simmons). Mariah spent time yesterday in her very own bed (see above) where she was living pre-stroke with friend Suzanna. The picture includes her usual bed-mate, Chai, and Suzanna’s pet, Zoe.

[Dad's note: This is the first time Mariah's been in her own bed since she departed for Peru last June. After nearly seven long, difficult, amazing months the wheel has turned, and I believe Volume 1 of her story of reemergence can be bound and shelved.]

We also kept up our movie attendance over the weekend, which included for Mariah theater viewings of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Gran Torino. Friday night Ramon took Mariah to Baltimore to see a PBR bull-riding. She loves that stuff. Maybe she picked up a hankering for it in Texas?

So, the weekend has been stuffed, and so have we, thanks to the excellent cullinary skills of our mom and friends Suzanna and Georgia over the holidays. We thank you for the chilis, the veggie stews, and the baked goods. We hope everyones’ ‘09 is kicking off as well as ours, and until next time…

Love and Light,
Clay

Warm Day in DC (WRAMC, 12/27/08)

I got to spend the weekend after Christmas with Mariah in her new room at the Mologne House hotel on the Walter Reed base while Clay attended to his art and some business in North Carolina. For me, the shift after nearly half a year from the familiar hospital setting in Richmond to a hotel environment in Washington, DC, was jarring but welcome.

Napping in the Hotel (WRAMC, 12/28/08)

Clay and Mariah had already worked out systems for managing the meds, laundry, meals, bathroom and sleeping arrangements, so I just needed a quick tutorial from Clay to feel competent in their brave new world. Before heading out the door, he handed me a single file folder with important papers, and a stack of business cards for anyone I might need to contact during the weekend, including whom to call first, second, third, etc. What a joy to be working with such a caring and well-organized partner.

Breaking Into AFIP (WRAMC, 12/28/08)

That weekend, we walked around the “campus” and Mariah showed me her beloved Armed Forces Institute for Pathology (AFIP), one of the inspirations for her professional goal of becoming a certified vet pathologist. AFIP, like all of Walter Reed, will be relocated soon when the Walter Reed complex in DC is shuttered as part of the military’s base closings program.

At the Military Medical Museum (WRAMC, 12/28/08)

We also stumbled across a Military Museum of Medicine featuring medical instruments used 150 years ago to save lives during battlefield mayhem. Diseased tissue samples from long dead soldiers, canisters of ether, knives and saws for amputating limbs, and clamps and pliers for pulling back skin and tissue were interspersed with displays of optical and electron microscopes (primary tools of the pathologist) and a full-size hologram of a cutaway view of the human body.

We also went into town and bought a lovely oriental screen room divider so Mariah can have some privacy in her bed.

Saturday evening we went to dinner at the Burtonsville, MD, house where she rooms with Suzanna and other friends. The gravity of being home for the first time since her stroke last June was mitigated by a great batch of chili, cuddles with her dog, Chai, and witty repartee (i.e. hilarious insults) among her  friends and roommates. Mariah used her walker to go from the car into the house and to give me a tour of her room. A few modifications will be needed to make the place accessible for her, but it certainly seems feasible. The biggest issue is that there’s no place for Clay or another attendant to stay, so returning home will depend on attaining almost complete independence for daily living and transportation.

Friends Suzanna and Eboni (WRAMC, 12/28/08)

A date to see the Nutcracker with a friend on Sunday evening was preceded by a visit from Suzanna and Eboni who double-teamed Mariah to get her ready to go out. Suzanna helped her bathe and apply her makeup, and Eboni sculpted a dramatic set of curls from Mariah’s beautiful and lengthening chestnut hair.

Captain K continues to get stronger and bolder as she faces the challenge of breaking out of the hospital cocoon. Perhaps after a moment’s rest in the warm sunshine, she’ll unfold her beautiful and fragile wings and fly into her future.

- Mark

Today started off…ummm…more or less without us.  The phone rang at 265 Mologne at roughly 0915 hours and a drill sergeant (One of Mariah’s squad leaders) barked in my ear,

 ”Mr Steinwinter!” 
  ”who..wha..oh..umm..*yawn*..yes..oh…yes, sir?”
  ”You and Cpt. Kochavi aren’t on leave, are you?”
  ”no, sir, we are right here at the Mologne house”
  ”You two are supposed to be at Formation across from bldg 14 Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays if the Capt. has no other scheduled appointment!  She is able troop and formation is mandatory. You are her non-medical attendant and need to stay on top of this stuff”

…like I said, the day started without us, but luckily the army seems to recognize that brother Clay is not exactly hard-core army material and the sergeant left the fault with me and gave Mariah a gold-star anyway (probably for dealing with me for 26 years, ha!) 

We joined mom at her house in Bethesda for lunch, where Mariah took advantage of mom’s great orthopedic bed and napped hard.  She also fielded veterinary questions that came in via the phone from a friend and from our mom concerning our slowly aging maltese-mix dog, Willie.  This has been mostly a day of rest, which came after a weekend of travel for brother, and a Sunday at the ballet in Baltimore for sister.  We rejoin forces for the week, geared up with a standing divider left by dad to separate our beds for some semblance of privacy.  (This is great because Mariah has a habit of occasionally staring at me from her pillow three feet away from my own bed until I wake up and the first thing I see is her staring at me all creepy-like.  She finds this hilarious, and I find my heartbeat after about thirty seconds.  I am going to be the youngest man ever to go in to cardiac arrest just from waking in the am.)  Happy Holidays to everyone, and thank you all for the cards, the Greetings, the peaceful wishes, and always for all the love.

Love and Light,
Clay

NEW MAILING ADDRESS – We got Mariah a private mailbox today….sorry for all the addresses given, and we will get the mail at whichever location you send it, but here is her personal mailbox as of today:

Cpt. Mariah Kochavi
Abrams Hall, Box 4098
6900 Georgia Ave. NW
Washington, DC 20307

So here is a typical day with Mariah and Clay at Walter Reed Hospital so far:

0630 hours: Clay wakes up to personal alarm beeping, throws arm out and knocks it on the floor while brain adjusts to the fact that body is NOT returning home from a gig but is actually getting up for work…very weird.

0700 hours: give Mariah morning medication and morning V8 juice (this juice is vital, it’s like universe dew for the superhuman..can’t fight superhuman battles without it!) Breakfast ensues, usually Raisin Bran poured into little plastic bowls that I , uh, borrow from the cafeteria downstairs. This is followed by my cursing vehemently about the fact that General Mills with it’s black sourcery ensures that I always purchase the Raisin Bran with only three raisins in the entire box. Mariah usually shares a little of whatever REAL breakfast I procur for my mountainman-self. You know, eggs, sides of ham, whole chickens, small livestock…

0730 hours: after teeth brushing and face washing, Clay bundles up Captain K and self in layers of warm clothing, including gloves and scarves and headwraps and such and heads out the backside of the Mologne house to avoid the excrutiatingly slow and stubborn (and small!) elevator to the first floor front entrance. From backside 2nd floor we fly across the split level courtyard to whatever building MAriah’s first morning appointment is in. (This is the fun part because the past week has been first time appointments and Clay guesses what buildings are what. They are numbered, but only in theory, as far as I am concerned.) To my own amazement, time management has actually been a decent strength of ours as we traverse the campus to make appointments. We have been on time or early to everything, ranging from the optometrist (where I held two prizm-rulers in my hands over each of Mariah’s eyes steadily while the eye doc held two other instruments at various distances to measure her varying pupil dilations to work towards improving her double vision), to the physical therapy session this morning which began with us reading a book together in the waiting room (a Stephanie Plum series novel, very funny stuff!) until her therapist snuck up behind us and, after listening in to me mimicking Italian-voiced characters, introduced herself as, “the captain’s physical terrorist”, at which point I excused myself for, umm, the duration of Mariah’s appointment (yikes!)

1100-1200 hours: Lunch is somewhere in here. I don’t know what else happens here, although a lot definitely happens. I’m so hungry that the other important stuff is flying by me whilst I operate via cruise-control auto pilot. 

1300-1500 hours: There is often another appointment in here. MAriah’s schedule is filling in pretty fast. She even has physical therapy on the morning of Christmas eve!!! Personally, I think Santa is being very unreasonable making my big sis work so hard for her bag of coal this year. Haha! Big sis: 0 little brother: 1 … Captain K’s schedule is re-printed at the front desk each time I make her a follow-up appointment with that office, which makes appointment-scheduling easy on yours truly, since everyone on campus sees Mariah’s schedule as it evolves progressively. 

Oh yeah, today, at aproximately 1430 hours: On way out 3rd floor door of building number 6 (behavioral care, psychiatry, etc.) we passed the vending machines near the elevator. I spotted a lone Coca-cola dispensed in the vending machine receptacle. I paused and stared in disbelief. I looked around the corner…nothing. I passed by, honestly, to the elevator, pushing Mariah in the chair. The elevator, obviously on Mologne-House time, took for freakin’ ever, so I dishonestly wheeled Mariah back to the vending machine and instructed her to snatch that soda…cuz, I mean, if no one was there yet, that Coke was clearly up for grabs, right? Mission accomplished.

evening-hundred-hours: Usually naps and lazy time follow exhausting day-time multi-tasking type stuff. Captain K and Clay kick back and relish the wall-mounted flat-screen with front-load DVD system and the DVD library downstairs on the first floor. Some of our favorites over the past week: (Joe Dirt, Hot Fuzz, Shaun of the Dead, Van Wilder…the funny list goes on)

Hey thats all I got today. We love you all and Happy Holidays!!!!!!!

-love and light,

Clay

Greetings from the Malogne House:

Today is Mariah’s first full outpatient day.  We have a room together across campus from the main hospital at Walter Reed, where she spent most of the past week.  Yesterday was a bit grueling, as Mariah went through her initial intake and discharge process.  There was a little bit of paperwork, and a lot of transporting between buildings and waiting for things to move forward.  The happy ending was the comfort of a private room to sleep in (oh, except for having her brother in the other bed probably snoring loudly!).  Well, atleast we have moved on from nurse stations, nightly check-ins, and the hospital atmosphere.  This was really a huge step, and Mariah’s courage and fortitude are really showing here.

We got up in our own room at 7am today and after getting washed up, headed down to the first floor cafeteria for a breakfast of raisin bran, cheese eggs, home fries, and Saved By the Bell on the big screen T.V.  As for me, I am trying to get ok with this whole secretary aspect of my job.  I am organizing her appointments and outings so as not to miss any.  Hmmm…there is nothing comfortable about responsibilities.  That’s cool, though.  There will be great fortitude exuding from little brother, as well, through this process.  Thank you all for calling me up, or e-mailing to check in with when and how to get in touch with Mariah.

We have more intake processing to go through today, as well as her initial check-ins with her outpatient doctors over the next five days or so, but things are running quite smooth.  I gotta tell everyone, this morning, while typing on the Apple computer in our room, that it really seems like yesterday that Mariah was first here at Walter Reed, almost entirely immobile with feeding tubes, machines to keep the blood flow up in her legs, and no vocal capability.  From her bed today, while I read from my Bible in my own, she said out loud,  “Clay, I’d like to go brush my teeth and wash my face before breakfast.”

After we ate and returned to the room, I guided Mariah from bed to bathroom with her walker, which is our method of transfer between the two, for regular practice with walking while in the room.  Of course, miracles included, the reality is that this road has been so long (six months now) and will continue for quite some time.  Please please keep on praying, keep calling me for visits, think of Mariah during the holidays and let us know your thoughts, and if you want to do something good for Mariah do not be afraid to do it.  None of us know the best way to help, and thats ok.  Do it anyway, it works.  We love you all.

Here is our physical address (BTW- this is for mailing stuff, NOT for random drop-ins from my miscreant musician friends looking for a fill-in sax player):

6900 Georgia Avenue., NW Bldg 20 (room #265)
Washington DC, NW 20307

If anyone plans on sending any packages to Mariah (um… or Clay!) for Christmas, please send to this address, in nearby Bethesda where Mariah will get them for Christmas.  Thank you:

4425 Chestnut Street
Bethesda MD 20814

Love and Light, Clay

Last Breakfast at McGuire (McGuire VAMC, 12/11/08)

This post is a two-fer. First, some of Dad’s ruminations, and then thoughts from Clay.

Ok, it’s done. Mariah, Clay and Dad had a final breakfast together in the canteen at McGuire VA Medical Center in Richmond last Thursday. We packed Mariah’s stuff, cleaned the room at Fisher House which served as our home and office away from home and office for the last five months, climbed into our cars, and drove for four and a half hours through heavy rain  and heavier traffic to Walter Reed Army Medical Center in Washington, DC.

Heading Home (McGuire VAMC, 12/11/08)

As it turned out, Mariah ended up in the room right next to the room she was in way back in June in Ward 58, Neuroscience. As of Monday, it will be exactly six months to the day since Mariah suffered her stroke in Peru.

Back in June she was nearly immobile, unable to speak, swallow, sit up, stand, walk, or even grasp the blanket on her bed with her hand. She had a feeding tube in her nose through which nourishing liquids were pumped, several intravenous feeds, and a catheter. She received dozens of medications daily, including a shot in her stomach that made her cry out. She responded to yes/no questions by wiggling her toes when she was able and willing.

Today she speaks, swallows, eats most foods with a fork and spoon, transfers herself between her bed and chair, sits up for hours at a time, stands and walks with a walker and assistance. She can dress and undress herself, kayak, and ride a horse. She’s tube free and takes only five medicines orally. There are no more shots. Tonight, she’s still a patient in the hospital, but in a few days she’ll move into a “hotel” on the hospital grounds with her brother. She’ll visit Walter Reed every day for more therapy and rehab. Mariah’s progress has been incredible.

SADLY, Mariah feels she’s “getting worse, not better” and is discouraged and frustrated much of the time. Her physical and intellectual strength have brought her this far. Now, her spirit has to join the battle, to be inspired to hope and believe in herself and in life’s possibilities. To all who have been following this blog (over 25,000 views since July!) and wanting to contribute, please reconnect with Mariah if you can. Certainly through kind thoughts and prayer, but also by calling or visiting or inviting Mariah to visit you and offering her some time in the world you share with her.

- Dad

From Clay:

The drive from Richmond to Washington on Thursday morning was slooooowwww.  Dad lead the way in my step-sister’s car, and Mariah and I followed with the gear. (Thank you Nicole and Zach for your help to Dad and me over the months.  You are so special)  We were in gridlock traffic the last quarter of the trip, which turned a 21/2 hour jot into a 4+ hour haul.  The good news was the army was ready for us when we got here and things ran real smooth.  By the evening, Mariah was settled, I was checked into the Malogne House, and Dad got a few Z’s back at Nicole and Zach’s house near Bethesda.

The first day was pretty busy, complete with Dr. visits, case management visits, and lots of talks about big important things that made me go cross-eyed.  Mariah dozed on and off a lot, recuperating from a busy week and sharing a room for a couple days with a roommate.  Not easy resting.

Today Mariah and I are chilling, taking it easy, and keeping our eyes on the nurses who have twice tried to administer a shot in the belly that isn’t on her medicine order sheet.  Yikes!  (but joking aside Mariah is under good care here and seems to have laid much of her anxiety to rest already) We are settling in just fine and look forward to getting together at the Malogne House and continue pushing forward and upward.

Many of you saw Mariah’s footage of her kayaking in Virginia.  The contact has been made here at Walter Reed and Captain K will be hitting up the Kayaking program here on campus as well over the coming weeks, so stay tuned for more press coverage.

Being that Mariah will be under the care of Yours Truly (yikes! I don’t even know how to take care of myself!), the web entries may taper off just a little in regularity.  However, never fear.  It is a little known fact that I am the fastest two-fingered typist in the Western Hemisphere.  I will keep the entries coming as often as I can, as Dad has kindly offered his services in continuing publishing the entries.  Thank you all for continuing your encouragement, well-wishes, and loving support.

Please please feel free to contact me, brother Clay, at my cell phone if you wish to visit Mariah.  I am more than happy to coordinate visits, and Mariah is expecting to see lots of the faces that couldn’t make it down to Virginia.  I will not know a schedule for Mariah for a few more days, so be patient with me on details.  Oh, and a special Thank You to the nurses, therapists, doctors, and all who served us at the McGuire hospital in Richmond.  Your strength, heart, dedication, encouragement, and compassion have been invaluable to my sister’s recovery and our family is so greatly appreciative of you.  Thank you McGuire!!!

My cell phone number is (919)-696-0671. Please don’t call after 10pm unless it is an emergency or you want to remind me that this job is not too big for me.  I need your support!

Love and Light,
Clay

Visit With Santa (McGuire VAMC, 12/10/08)

Santa Claus came by last night and gave Mariah a big bag of goodies. She’s not shy, so she also asked for a pony. He must have said “ok” because today she spent her last full day at McGuire in the Virginia countryside horseback riding.

It was a long drive for a half dozen of us to the Lonesome Dove Equestrian Center in Powhatan, Virgina, and it was worth it. Owner Cliff Arrington and a bevy of local volunteers greeted us at the rustic and cozy lodge where they served us a delicious lunch and regaled us with hilarious stories. Then we met the horses and got ready to ride.

The Lonesome Dove is a charitable nonprofit that offers therapeutic riding to veterans with special needs at no charge. It relies completely on donations and is run by unpaid volunteers. Find out more about the Center and how you can help by visiting their website at http://ldequestriancenter.com/.

Tomorrow (Thursday) is the big move from Richmond to Washington. Many wonderful people who have spent hundreds of hours working with and caring for Mariah have been stopping in to say farewell to her, often with a tear in their eye. Captain Kochavi is evidently a much loved and admired young woman whose presence in the Polytrauma Unit will be missed.

To all the hardworking angels – nurses, therapists, social workers, psychologists, doctors, staff, and volunteers – at McGuire and Fisher House, I cannot possibly express the depth of my gratitude for all you’ve done for Mariah and our family. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You, along with Mariah and Clay, are my heros. I thank God for you, and pray that God blesses you.

- Mark

Warming Up (Lonesome Dove Equestrian Center, Powhatan, Virginia, 12/10/08)

Trotting (Lonesome Dove Equestrian Center, Powhatan, Virginia, 12/10/08)

Barrel Race (Lonesome Dove Equestrian Center, Powhatan, Virginia, 12/10/08)