Staying in Touch

January 30, 2009

Well I sincerely hope we haven’t lost anyone in the gap since the last post.

To be quite honest, I hit a slump the past two weeks on a personal level.  The good news about that is that I have managed not to drop the ball with my care-taking duties; I only nearly dropped the ball on taking care of me.   I planned on going to North Carolina last week to audition for music school possibly for next fall and I struggled to manage with my expectations not being met.

Admittedly, I have no idea how to find balance in my current life and work with Mariah, but we are both somehow still here and growing stronger, I discover.  I try to focus on Mariah’s recovery when blogging (d’uh! this is not claysreemergence.com!), but I guess that just for the present, we are in it together.

A few nights ago, I lay awake reading some poetry and Mariah tossed in her bed.  I asked her if she knew why I was here taking care of her.  She responded, “no…”   I told her that it was deeper than familial obligation or “doing the right thing.”

The poem was about hope.  It was defined as “the hardest love we carry”.  I told her that I believe I am here to help her carry that burden.  The heavy stuff is always lighter when we share the weight.

My sister is often lost in the desperation of her circumstances and I do know personally that that can be a blessing in disguise; a place from which we can receive hope.  For some of us, it is the only place from which we can become willing to receive the kind of hope we never previously thought existed.

Anyway, forgive my babbles and ramblings.  My point is that on the flip side of that “gift of desperation” is the terror of believing we are alone in our desperation.  I lost sight of my hope the past two weeks and also encountered my first feelings of questioning whether or not I want to be here doing this job.

After just six weeks on this job, I felt really ashamed and embarrassed for feeling like giving up.  But pride aside, I just need to let you all know that I am scared a lot. I don’t  know how I am getting it done, but I am taking great care of Mariah and would you all please keep praying for both of us, because that is where I draw my strength.

For those of you who have had enough of “what’s on Clay’s mind”, Dad visited last week and took some great pics and videos and will have those posted in the coming days, so I am gonna sit back and let him cover me this go-around and let you all see for yourselves Mariah’s progress and reemerging strength.

Love and Light,

Clay

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2 Responses to “Staying in Touch”

  1. LTC Atchison said

    Clay,
    you are an outstanding young man and God never gives us more than we can handle. I have been comforted knowing that you were there for Mariah. You do not give yourself enough credit because it ain’t easy. I cannot imagine or understand all that ya’ll have been through. Ya’ll are always in my thoughts and prayers. You will receive a formal invitation in the mail for my change of command will be 19 June and I want you and Mariah to be there.
    God Bless all of ya’ll!
    LTC Atchison
    PS I got orders back to DC

  2. Elizabeth said

    Clay,
    Thank you for sharing your doubts and fears. We all know that it requires a great amount of strength, patience, and love for you to walk through this journey with Mariah. Your devotion probably means more to her than any of us could ever begin to understand. That said, it is understandable that it will take its toll on you. Other than prayer, please let us know what we can do to help take care of YOU as you take such good care of our dear friend.
    Love to you both,
    Elizabeth

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