Mariah’s Reemergence

Well I sincerely hope we haven’t lost anyone in the gap since the last post.

To be quite honest, I hit a slump the past two weeks on a personal level.  The good news about that is that I have managed not to drop the ball with my care-taking duties; I only nearly dropped the ball on taking care of me.   I planned on going to North Carolina last week to audition for music school possibly for next fall and I struggled to manage with my expectations not being met.

Admittedly, I have no idea how to find balance in my current life and work with Mariah, but we are both somehow still here and growing stronger, I discover.  I try to focus on Mariah’s recovery when blogging (d’uh! this is not claysreemergence.com!), but I guess that just for the present, we are in it together.

A few nights ago, I lay awake reading some poetry and Mariah tossed in her bed.  I asked her if she knew why I was here taking care of her.  She responded, “no…”   I told her that it was deeper than familial obligation or “doing the right thing.”

The poem was about hope.  It was defined as “the hardest love we carry”.  I told her that I believe I am here to help her carry that burden.  The heavy stuff is always lighter when we share the weight.

My sister is often lost in the desperation of her circumstances and I do know personally that that can be a blessing in disguise; a place from which we can receive hope.  For some of us, it is the only place from which we can become willing to receive the kind of hope we never previously thought existed.

Anyway, forgive my babbles and ramblings.  My point is that on the flip side of that “gift of desperation” is the terror of believing we are alone in our desperation.  I lost sight of my hope the past two weeks and also encountered my first feelings of questioning whether or not I want to be here doing this job.

After just six weeks on this job, I felt really ashamed and embarrassed for feeling like giving up.  But pride aside, I just need to let you all know that I am scared a lot. I don’t  know how I am getting it done, but I am taking great care of Mariah and would you all please keep praying for both of us, because that is where I draw my strength.

For those of you who have had enough of “what’s on Clay’s mind”, Dad visited last week and took some great pics and videos and will have those posted in the coming days, so I am gonna sit back and let him cover me this go-around and let you all see for yourselves Mariah’s progress and reemerging strength.

Love and Light,

Clay